Overcoming negativity and toxicity has been so difficult these past few months, I am not talking negativity with in myself, I am specifically referring to outer influences.
I have the greatest partner, soul mate and husband! We push each other to strive for things that are so far out of reach. We give each other goals and we are always looking at our future. I can honestly say we live with intention every morning. It is the greatest feeling to have someone by your side who understands the hustle and the grind that it takes to get to your goals even more so someone who motivates you when you just do not want to get it done.
Well, my husband and I have had a thorn in our side for quite some time and it has definitely been a lot more difficult for me than him. Now I am not putting our business public because I need any type of sympathy from anyone, I am simply just expressing how I feel because I know one hundred percent that there are families and our couples who are struggling with this same situation. Maybe even to the point where they no longer have a relationship because it became so difficult.
I have no problem eliminating people from my life who are nothing but negative and toxic to me and or my family. Especially when it comes to my kids, however this is not that simple. This is someone very dear to my husbands heart and a family member so just “eliminating” that person of course is not an option. To be honest was never an option for me. It has been about 4 almost 5 years now where I have put myself out there to gap the bridge and create a cordial environment, move forward and just have a healthy relationship but it has never been that easy.
It has got down right ugly to the point where I started becoming someone that I was not a fan of. I started becoming so angry that I could not control my emotions of arguing slamming doors and yes I will admit throwing a wine glass into the sink so hard it shattered! My husband and I talking to each other with such disrespect. I even got to the point where I just really questioned how healthy this was for him and I but most importantly our children. Let me clarify I never at one point felt or even to this day feel I questioned our bond and what we have for our family but I questioned the happiness of my husband. I love him so much and to see the stress it was causing him and the stress it was causing me I was having a hard time finding where I seen myself in this situation.
I finally have had enough and felt I needed to do something. Everything else that I was doing with reaching out, trying to find a common ground of respect, taking small steps and of course acting like everything is okay for the sake of everyone else was not working! It was horrible, family and friends not knowing how to act around us and walking on egg shells was not a fun time at a family BBQ.
” When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth, just like you did.” – Jill Blakeway
I started with myself, I started to read up on how to approach the situation and how to provide myself with some comfort so I do not lose my sanity but more importantly to take a deeper look into myself on how I was handling the situation with my husband. After all the books and articles I had read along with the support of close friends of mine I started to really focus on my relationship and kids and not what was on the outside. Sitting down to talk to him about my feelings and trying to break down how it makes me feel as opposed to taking out the aggression and frustration with him. Though I had my opinions about how he should handle the situation differently with his family that was not the right way to approach him. In reality this has not been an easy situation for him and has been very stressful. Lets face it men do not know how to express there feelings like us women so they tend to try and figure things out the best they can with in themselves. I had to remember that this was not his fault and the negativity was not coming from us it was coming from someone out side of our home. So how do we repair that, how do we move forward!
“There are so many people who always seem angry and continuously look for conflict. Walk away; the battle they are fighting is not with you, it is with themselves. “
Having to realize that you can not fix other people or make them change is something that you need to realize right away. People who are unhappy and try to bring you down and or attack you for whatever reason has deeper issues than they want to admit. Try not to take it personal. I am sure your thinking yeah right how is it not personal and your right it does become personal. What I mean is we have to realize that we are not the issue so we have to dig down deep and try to let it roll off of our shoulders. Trust me when I say it is not an easy task and I still learning how to to do this after all its been 5 years! Find a common ground between you and your spouse. If you feel it necessary to exclude yourself from certain situations that make you feel uncomfortable than do it. We all have to have boundaries and healthy boundaries and at some point we have to draw the line somewhere. If you are like a similar situation as me where you have tried to do that with that particular person and you have no progress, than you need to express those boundaries with your spouse. The most important thing is your marriage and your family! We need to do whatever we need to do to protect that negative influences that surround us. Talking NOT ARGUING with your spouse and expressing how you can take little steps to repair any damage if it all or just come to a common ground between the two of you.
This is still a work in progress for my husband and I but after realizing that our relationship, our kids and what we have is far more important than worrying about someones unhappiness. This does not mean we cut them out of our life though we have creating a healthy boundary for us. Until we move forward on a common respectful ground we do not need to ALWAYS go out of our way or create an easier path for that individual.
” Even at your best, someone will always have something negative to say. Pursue greatness anyways.”- Tony Gaskins
In our situation, we both have big hearts and very forgiving so of course there is always an option to change and make things better, however at this time we really needed to take a step back and refocus on our relationship and our growth as a couple. We have big goals and dreams and letting the negativity and toxicity outside of our circle in is not an option for us. We are growing to communicate and talk daily understanding each others feelings whether we agree, we have to learn to agree to disagree. I am excited for the growth we have made, and though it will continue to be a work in progress our strength and family is far more important.